Skip to content
Hello Michelle,
I am a nearly 50-year-old woman. I have been single since my relationship with my children's father ended 4 years ago, and haven't had sex since then. Actually now that I think about it ... we'd stopped having sex for some time before we split up, so maybe I haven't had any action for 6 years!
I don't feel much inclination to date men. For the past few years, I have felt an interest in women, but I can't tell if it's a genuine attraction. Previously, I've only had relationships with men but I look back at some episodes in my life and wonder whether I might have had a sexual interest in women that I didn't recognise at the time. Certainly at this point in my life I am curious about exploring intimacy with women, but not men.
I still desire sex and intimacy and have energy to bring to exploring this. I realise I can only find out if I am attracted to women by getting out there and actually meeting women for dates. Leaving aside my own complete newbie nerves about this, I'm concerned about misleading women. How do I embark on this experiment, without deceiving or leading on women, while I try to figure out if I'm interested in them sexually?
Thank you!
Ms F
1. Go for it
We never know what the outcome will be when we embark on a new sexual journey. Regardless of who it's with, it's a deep dive, a risk. I LOVE that you're honouring your sexuality and exploring your boundaries more fully.
2. Tell it like it is
The only way you're going to find out if your feelings are genuine is to give it a go. All you need to do is be open and honest and let your date know that you're in an experimental stage. They'll either be up for it or not.
“When it comes to hitting on girls, one night of awkward conversation is less horrible than years of regret.” Allison Moon
3. Don't sweat the outcome
Start meeting up with the intention of having fun and exploring rather than hooking up.
"Flirt and play with the intention of connection in its myriad ways, and odds are, you’ll find something that works for both/all of you.” Allison Moon
When we get attached to the idea of a sexual outcome, it can get uncomfortable pretty quick.
4. Full Disclosure
Before any sexual activity takes place, it's important that you let your date know that you've only been with men before. You've been feeling a deepening attraction towards women and you want to explore your sexuality. Let them know you're feeling vulnerable and that you're not sure how it will go. You need acceptance and guidance.
“Part of being a responsible sex-positive person is knowing that no one is going to read your mind. No one is going to ‘just know’ that you like something or not, even if you have all the same equipment. It’s your job to speak up and share the stuff your partners need to know. This applies to STIs just as much as it does to things you really like.” Allison Moon
You're a fully sexual woman who has a huge heart, an open mind and who is sensitive to others. You'll be fine Ms F!! Go. For. It.
5. Learn
I cannot recommend Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon highly enough Ms F. It covers having same-sex sex, but it also covers talking and thinking about sex with others or just yourself. It’s trans- and genderqueer-inclusive, acknowledges and pictures different bodies and life stages and is relentlessly sex-positive. If you only plan to read one book about sex, ever, make it this one.
But if you decide to read two books about sex then make it this one. Getting it: A Guide to Hot Healthy Hookups & Shame Free Sex (also by Allison Moon) is about cultivating self-awareness and sexual self-esteem and it teaches you how to flirt, how to clearly and kindly turn someone down and how to take responsibility for your choices.
I mean, after this mad pandemic, we all need some help having casual sex and exploring our sexuality in a safe, compassionate way.
Good luck Ms F :)
Much love and good vibes,
Michelle xxx
Sign up to our newsletter for your weekly dose of Passionfruit Pulp + CATS