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Dear Michelle,
I work a lot, and now that I'm working from home it seems as though I no longer feel like being intimate. My partner loves that I'm driven, but he mentioned scheduling in time for for sex. Seriously, is this what it has come to? Is spontaneous sex off the cards?
'Sex on time'
Q. Is scheduling sex boring?
1. NO! Anticipation = Excitement
Scheduling sex is one of the most exciting things you can do! Think of all the fun things you already schedule (or used to pre-covid) - fancy dinner dates, concerts, pampering sessions, catch ups with friends, holidays....the list goes on.
Yes it's fun to do all those things spontaneously, but isn't having them in your calendar deliciously enchanting? You count down the days, you check the calendar. You start imagining what the special occasion is going to be like.
(OMG it's gonna be sooooo good)
Let's say you have a fancy concert coming up. You start thinking about what you're going to wear or what restaurant you want to visit beforehand. You research cool bars to drop into afterwards. You might schedule in a pre-concert haircut or visit to the nail salon.
By the time the concert comes around, you're fully prepped and rearing to go. And let's face it, the build up was half the fun.
(I'm ready baby)
Now most of us don't want to go to a concert most nights and if we did, the allure would fade right? So when did sex become something that was better to do spontaneously? We've been conned by romantic movies and we've become addicted to the first throes of lust that we expect to last forever. I say forget about that.
I expect you've been together for quite some time and have been through a lot. You're not expected to want sex at any time of the day. You're tastes are more refined than that - you deserve more. And the way to get it?
2. PUT IT IN THE CALENDAR
It makes sense now right? I challenge you sex-on-time, to put sex into each other's calendar at least once a month for six months and set reminders. Commit to it together. Think of it as a fancy event that you anticipate and prepare for.
3. PLAN
Think about the kind of sex you want to have, the place you want to have it, what you might want to wear, sex toys you'll want to use, lube you need...you get the idea. You might even plan a getaway for that night. Trust me, a little effort goes a long way.
One of our best selling books over the last 20 years has been Laura Corn's 101 Nights of Great Sex. It creates scenarios for you and your partner to enact, complete with an invitation to send and preparations to make. It makes sense.
"What do you mean you don't have any Spreader Bars in stock???"
4. RESPONSIVE DESIRE IS A THING
In her book Come As You Are Emily Nagoski explains that for the 85% of us who identify as female, desire is not spontaneous (where it shows up instantly, with or without stimulation) but rather responsive or contextual. In other words, the build up is important. Thinking about sex, getting sexy texts, knowing our partner is buying us flowers to set the scene builds desire. PLAN AND SCHEDULE!
5. REVISIT YOUR IDEAS
Challenge your ideas of the way spontaneous sex is portrayed in the media and flick it aside. Treat sex instead as a special occasion that you plan for and anticipate. It's exciting and fun. And the added bonus? You or your partner don't feel pressured on the days in-between. You can relax.
IN SUMMARY
Talk to your partner about how often you'd like to schedule sex.
- Commit to it and put it in the calendar
- Plan for your upcoming exploits.
- Send texts to up the anticipation
- Follow through for six months
Much love and good vibes,
Michelle
xxx
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