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I get asked this one a lot and it’s very curly Kate. When we’re not on the same page as our partner, it can be a complex path to navigate but it can be done.
DEFINE 'SEE OTHER PEOPLE'
Let’s be clear. No beating around the Kate Bush. What is it you want exactly? An open relationship? Non-monogamy? Affairs? Swinging? Define what it is you really want to do first and why. Read The Ethical Slut and Building Open Relationships.
GO DEEP
Ask yourself these questions.
Why am I doing this?
How will I (and we) benefit from this arrangement?
Can I picture my partner dating or sleeping with somebody else without getting upset?
Am I avoiding something else in our relationship?
Am I a jealous person?
Am I doing this to add something to the relationship or for my own selfish reasons?
REASSURANCE
Start by reassuring your partner that you’re committed to the relationship. You are and always will be wildly attracted to them. They are your number 1 priority. Your sex life is wonderful. And because it’s so wonderful, you have a growing sexual appetite and want to get more creative and explore your boundaries.
PAVE THE WAY
If your sex life isn’t already experimental, rewarding and open, start making it so. Whether or not your partner is interested in new things, it’s a great place to start the conversation.
FIND COMMUNITY
You need support, advice and resources so you’re not feeling alone or judged. Do you have a friend that you could talk to? A confidante? Perhaps you could try making friends at a like minded event (try Curious Creatures) or finding an online community (try Fetlife) that supports you. There are some great books and podcasts to explore.
BABY STEPS
If you think your partner is thawing a bit (after all you’ve just pegged them and given them the greatest p-spot orgasm of their life) suggest going to that club/party you’ve heard about. Be voyeurs for the night and take it from there. Maybe agree to flirt. Baby steps.
HONESTY. COMMUNICATION. BOUNDARIES.
Before embarking on anything sexual, there needs to be a lot of groundwork laid down. If there’s not enough honesty, communication and boundaries, your marriage is at risk of breaking down. You can talk it over with a sex and relationships counsellor, read Building Open Relationships or design your own lifestyle with eyes wide open. There’s always a risk of marital breakdown, whether you embark on an open relationship or not, but there’s also the possibility of deepening your connection. Good luck, Curious Kate!!
Peter
You nailed your reply by posing those very important questions that Kate has to ask of herself.
The first question is for her to understand why she has the feelings to explore herself beyond what her relationship with her husband provides. Thus, she must focus on answering the ‘why’ of this desire for other moments of intimacy, not necessarily sexual, rather than the just the ‘what’. So many individuals address the what I want and don’t think of the why and the issues that remain unaddressed by acceding to their desires. As uncomfortable as it may be, Kate might find that her relationship with her husband has changed, one that is leaving her unsatisfied. To explore this possibility of Kate’s desire to extend her moments of intimacy beyond what her relationship provides, I recommend she reads Nona Willis Aronowitz’s “Bad Sex: Truth, pleasure, and an unfinished revolution”. Whilst it won’t provide all of the answers that Kate needs, it will give her much cause to reflect on who she is and wants to be.
It is only after this reflection on the ‘why’ of what Kate is feeling, that she can then think about what it might mean for her relationship with her husband. Will it survive, in fact, does it need to survive? If Kate wants her relationship to survive, she has to treat her husband with respect and the utmost in honesty. Anything less than this will destroy the most valuable aspect of a sustainable relationship, that being trust.
Ultimately, Kate needs to give her husband time to process what she wants to do. Baby steps, not a great leap. Kate’s husband might eventually be open to what she wants to do. However, he is the one who makes the decision about his own personal needs and these might lead him to ending the relationship. Kate cannot make this decision for him. To cuckold him into submission is disrespectful.